Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
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Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone