Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
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Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!