My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
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[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
❤️❤️❤️
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!