A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
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I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
dam girl
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short