I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
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PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
*3.5 thank you very much.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me