wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
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The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Tony Hawk, age 6
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.