I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
You Might Also Like
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Bring back the McRib
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now