Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
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Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
it be like that
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.