My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
The booster protects against what, now?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I have a type: disappointing
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it