“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety