Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
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Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*