Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken