What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I self medicate, therefore you live.