7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
this will hang in the louvre one day
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.