My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
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Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Now, where’s the sport in that?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
cry laughing at this shit
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is