Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
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Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
What’s this sorcery? 😂
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.