DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
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Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns