Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
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Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
this is literally a CIA plant
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy