Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
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Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.