Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
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It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.