Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
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What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see