Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
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TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫