I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
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what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I’d use my best pan on you.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.