my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
You Might Also Like
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle