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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
i can’t wait that long
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.