Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I like long walks away from everyone
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
happy friday