[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
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if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?