ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.