You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
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Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit