[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
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[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.