There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.