You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
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Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
getting corrected
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert