[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
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*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD