Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
You Might Also Like
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Help Wanted