I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
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A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Candles never taste the way they smell
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.