I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
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Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest