her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
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The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.