1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave