Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
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Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.