It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
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Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go