One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
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“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.