SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
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there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy