WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Schrödinger’s cookie
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*