I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
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[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex