I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
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You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander