ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
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Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”