Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.