I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
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A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me irl
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Optional boss fight.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.