Food gives you energy to nap more.
You Might Also Like
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
just left a huge legacy in there
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.