date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
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I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.